Strumming Some Heartstrings

Nothing much for me to update... because there's nothing new or interesting for me to talk about... my life revolves around work now... right now am at work... night shift... work is really wearing me out... me and him aren't getting any better... things at home... well... all i can say... i'm just too worn out to even think about it... i broke down just now... i sat down shivering... thinking and crying... yes,all these happened while i'm at work... why are things turning out this way? why am i so different now? i just miss my old self... but then again,my old self is just so fragile... i give in to everything... i put others first instead of myself... and now,why can't i put my feelings first instead of others? is that so selfish for me to so...? he said i never gave him the chance to change... i never did huh? maybe i didn't... maybe this 1 year plus of being with you was just nothing then...? all those things that i went through was nothing then... all those times when you asked me to give you all those chances and i did was nothing then... all those beatings i tolerated... all those harsh words that i have to swallow... why the hell am i still sticking with you then if i never gave you any chances? what are they compared to my scoldings just to change you? yes,i admit i've been harsh lately... that's because i no longer have the tolerance for you... and that's because i no longer want to be taken advantage off... if you can't change,then tell me so... don't give me false hope... don't make empty promises... and don't make things any worse then they already are... it just hurts that barely few minutes things ended and you already change your status and start adding those girls... if that's what you want,by all means... i'm going to step back now and let things go... because i no longer have the strength to carry on... if you think that i come crying and whining to my friends/sisters/cousin whenever i face any problems or after every fight i had with you,you are damn wrong... most of them know that i bottle things up... you know that too... and all these are eating me up inside... if you want friends so much to turn to,then be more wise and cautious with friends that you make... if you want a gf that won't scold you and just keep mum at every mistakes you make,by all means... if you want a gf to just follow suit everything you do be it wrong or right,by all means... because i don't fit into that category... please don't say you love me when you no longer do... please don't say you love me just because you needed my company just because you don't have any nice friends yet... i don't think you no longer know why you love me... it's just plain stupid of me to still carry that feeling of hope that things will get better... it's just plain stupid of me to even believe that a guy like you will even love a plain girl like me... yes,i ain't pretty.. yes,i'm skinny... and yes,i ain't perfect to even point out your mistakes... but does the way someone look even matter in relationships and friendships...? nobody's perfect... but at least,i'm helping you change... tell me then... which friends of yours or which girl goes up to you and puts every effort in to help change you for the better...? like i said,i'm going to step back and just let things go... if ever you find someone better,then i will try every ways to just forget you and just carry on with my life... if you think i'm going to find a new guy for myself,you are wrong. because i had enough... i don't want to end up killing myself because of love... you can do anything you want to make me jealous... but,i wouldn't be... because i promised myself that i'm not going to bother you anymore. not one bit. i'm going to burn and delete every pictures of us and you,just like you wanted... i hope that will help me to take that step back and let you go...

I hate it whenever i have a tiff with mum,she will treat me so coldly and will avoid me in every way. i hate her so much for doing this to me right now... she's my mum... she should be a lot wiser and understanding... i don't get it why when i point something out,she'll make it seem that it's me who's at fault.... everywhere it's the same.... if you don't point something out,how are things going to change for the better...? gosh......

Work have been becoming more shitty now... people are starting to resign... and these people are those that can actually work... they are the good and reliable ones... the 2 faced people are the ones getting the promotions... damn it... i can't believe i'm working with such fucked up management... so brainless and heartless.... controlling our leave days.... being stupid to convert our mcs to our leave days... saying one nice thing about a particular person in front of him/her... at the same time gossiping about that same person behind his/her back... it's just too much lah... expecting so much from us... we are not robots... we have feelings and we have brains... this is the reason why people are quitting... because nobody can tolerate all these shits... nobody have got the time to be you slaves or dogs and work for you like hell while you sit in your office comfortably... i just can't wait for December to end... then it'll be 2010... 3 more months to go till my bond ends.... not too sure whether i can last till March though... we'll just have to see about that...

I used up my break time to type all these... i didn't even sleep a wink... i was feeling really sleepy just now... but after i started crying,i can't even sleep.... too many things on my mind i guess....

i hope 17th Dec will come quick..... cause i don't think i'm strong enough to hold on any longer....

Am on night shift today... night shift tomorrow... and night shift the day after... am in a foul mood... no mood to work.. no mood to talk to people much... my supervisor kept changing my schedule... it's so frustating... and this week,i have to work 5 days straight... 12 hours... so that means,i've been working since sunday up till this thursday... that's like 6o hours of work okay! extra 16 hours... and the worse thing is that,i get only 1 off day... gosh... i hope i get a better job soon... i skipped my appointment today cause i was feeling so tired... i was happy to see Arbakyah at work yesterday... she came for her phototaking... decided to wait for me till my lunch break... accompanied me for lunch... did some catching up... told me i look so haggard... i know darling.... work sucks and life's been so stressful... am glad i bumped into her... i know you are reading this darling... thanks for that hug... i needed it... Anyways,it seems that my dearest mother and 2 sisters have been having a good time ey? go out to buy nice2 food.. did some shopping.. haircut and curling of hair... waduh2... here i am working like hell,the 3 of you having a good time... next time wait for my off day lah... ceh... heh... i'm looking forward to end of this month... it's payday! and i have some things in mind to buy... hehe... anyways,i hope i get to settle that stupid bill issue soon... so fucked up... and yes boy,i no longer have the tiniest patience for you anymore... not forgetting,you've crossed that very line... you said i speak without thinking... what about you huh? too late to regret now... you've crossed the line when you said those stuff... don't expect me to forgive you... alritey,i got to go... gonna kill time by watching movie online.. till next time...

p.s: i miss having long hair....

How i wish i can roll around on those leaves... how i wish i can enjoy autumn season... how i wish i can have a collection of those colorful leaves... that'll be nice huh... currently am at work... felt so happy that i'm able to sign in to blogger and blog.. at least i have something to do to kill time... my break's in half an hour's time... too bad i can't twitter or do facebook-ing... that'll be fun... keep me distracted the whole night.. heh... but no worries... i have my dear colleague,Zaharah to keep me awake the whole night... hopefully... :) the weather's kinda chilly... been raining since 11+pm... lucky me i brought my red sweater to work.. i've been coughing so badly the whole day... got worse in the evening... my chest hurts from too much coughing... drinking water doesn't seem to help... and i can't take my cough syrup cause that will cause me to sleep... gosh... and i lost my appetite to eat... gee,thanks... just when i'm on my "put on weight" diet,i have to fall sick and lose my appetite... pfft! alritey,am going for my break now.. maybe when i feel like blogging later,i shall blog... heh.. tata!

p.s: i love the vespa! heh...

http://www.female50gp.com/2009/vote.php

(VOTE THREE TIMES FOR HUBAB HOOD)